My Story- Eileen Marie
What would a 13 year old now about ending her life? Well, I do I know it too well. I took an overdose at this tender age hoping I could end all the pain and suffering which I bottled up for so long. Why did I want to do this, you may wonder? I shall tell to you.
I grew up, living with my father, brother and sister. I am the oldest. My mother was not a part of our lives . She had had her own demons to battle . The drink. I was five when she left. We ending up moving around a lot. I didn’t think much of it . I was young at the time. We ended up moving to an estate, which my Grandmother also lived in (My Dad’s Mother); I loved my Nan so much . I used to spend weekends in her house. She used to spoil me rotten . I was the apple of her eye. My grandmother was so kind and caring towards me. She became a mother figure in my life. However things changed when I was 12 . She was diagnosed with Cancer . I was devastated . She underwent an operation but it was too late the cancer had spread. That’s when I became depressed and in some ways angry. How could this happen to my loving Grandmother and why? . I didn’t know at the time that I was depressed. I had good friends . I just started to withdraw away from things that made me happy. I spent a lot of time in my room after school. Alone with my mind. It got to the point of wanting to die . I felt like I was worth nothing and the world would be better off without me. I started to write notes, saying why I wanted to end it all and that I was sorry. I just kept thinking day in, day out of suicide. I too was looking after my Nan and visiting her, but watching my Nan die slowly, each day was so hard. I think that people can only keep a brave face for so long. I did confide in a few people that I was going to end it all. The look on their faces said a lot of things like, is she serious, please don’t? Yes they tried their best to be there for me and tell me not to do it.
On the 2nd of September 2001 my Grandmother passed away in a hospice . I remember crying myself to sleep that night. I tried to tell myself she is in no more pain and is with God now. However the two weeks that followed were the worst . I hit rock bottom and took a overdose , as I took each pill I thought I would get one step further to being where I wanted to be – with my Nan. But after taking the pills, I told somebody, it was like a strong voice in my head. To this day I believed that it was my Nan helping me in some ways . I was rushed to the hospital .The look on my dad’s face is something I will never forget. It was a scary experience being in the hospital getting my stomach pumped . I spent two days inside there.
After coming out, my family and friends were so supportive . I think part of them was so scared that I would do something like that again. But I knew from that experience that it’s something I wouldn’t want to try again . I never was diagnosed with depression after this, or got tablets from the doctor. I did go to counseling though. I started off going once every week. I found it to be great because for the first time ever I was able to sit in a room and talk through my problems and how I really felt deep inside . It was a huge relief to know that this was all confidential and I wasn’t going to be judged in any way by the person I was speaking to . My counselor was excellent . I can’t thank her enough.
I continued with counseling. I had my rough patches as I grew older. When I was about 15 I stared to get depressed again. Bad thoughts started to consume my mind. My dad was diagnosed with a type of cancer. I thought again that this would turn out the same, as what happened with my Nan . So this time , I started to self injury myself .I found it a relief in a way because I was able to feel pain. I knew this was wrong and I was going back down the wrong path . So I did get help straight away. I knew my counselor was only a phone call away. So I put a stop to it. My dad under went treatment and got the all clear. So I began to feel happy and like my old self again. I had a new group of friends from school, so I hung out a lot with them and started to laugh and enjoy life again. Doing things like going to the cinema and shopping. I started to read a lot and it was nice to be able to escape into another world for a brief while . I started to write poetry which was a way to get everything down on paper.
I am now almost twenty three. I haven’t self injured in about eight years . I have got a diploma in travel and tourism . I have started to do a little travel myself. I am now studying Journalism, which I love. I have a great part time job. I have met some great people along the way . I have a few close best friends now, who I know will be there for me. Life is great.
For anybody out there who may feel like life is not worth living, never give up hope. IF I died that day then I would never have gotten the chance to do the things I have done, meet new people, seen new places.
Please believe me, there is a chance for you too. I was given my chance . Now grasp onto yours and live a happy life.