My Story- Eileen Marie
What would a 13 year old now about ending her life? Well, I do I know it too well. I took an overdose at this tender age hoping I could end all the pain and suffering which I bottled up for so long. Why did I want to do this, you may wonder? I shall tell to you.
I grew up, living with my father, brother and sister. I am the oldest. My mother was not a part of our lives . She had had her own demons to battle . The drink.Â I was five when she left.Â We ending up moving around a lot.Â I didnâ€™t think much of it . I was young at the time. We ended up moving to an estate, which my Grandmother also lived in (My Dadâ€™s Mother); I loved my Nan so much . I used to spend weekends in her house.Â She used to spoil me rotten . I was the apple of her eye.Â My grandmother was so kind and caring towards me.Â She became a mother figure in my life.Â However things changed when I was 12 . She was diagnosed with Cancer . I was devastated . She underwent an operation but it was too late the cancer had spread. Thatâ€™s when I became depressed and in some ways angry. How could this happen to my loving Grandmother and why? . I didnâ€™t know at the time that I was depressed. I had good friendâ€™s . I just started to withdraw away from things that made me happy. I spent a lot of time in my room after school. Alone with my mind. It got to the point of wanting to die . I felt like I was worth nothing and the world would be better off without me. I started to write notes, saying why I wanted to end it all and that I was sorry. I just kept thinking day in, day out of suicide. I too was looking after my Nan and visiting her, but watching my Nan die slowly, each day was so hard. I think that people can only keep a brave face for so long. I did confide in a few people that I was going to end it all. The look on their faces said a lot of things like, is she serious, please donâ€™t? Yes they tried their best to be there for me and tell me not to do it.
On the 2nd of September 2001 my Grandmother passed away in a hospice . I remember crying myself to sleep that night. I tried to tell myself she is in no more pain and is with God now. HoweverÂ the two weeks that followed were the worst . I hit rock bottom and took a overdose , as I took each pill I thought I would get one step further to being where I wanted to be – with my Nan. But after taking the pills, I told somebody, it was like a strong voice in my head. To this day I believed that it was my Nan helping me in some ways . I was rushed to the hospital .The look on my dadâ€™s face is something I will never forget. It was a scary experience being in the hospital getting my stomach pumped . I spent two days inside there.
After coming out, my family and friends were so supportive . I think part of them was so scared that I would do somethingÂ like that again. But I knew from that experience that itâ€™s something I wouldnâ€™t want to try again . I never was diagnosed with depression after this, or got tablets from the doctor. I did go counselling though. I started off going once every week. I found it to be great because for the first time ever I was able to sit in a room and talk through my problems and how I really felt deep inside . It was a huge relief to know that this was all confidential and I wasnâ€™t going to be judged in any way by the person I was speaking to . My counsellor was excellent . I canâ€™t thank her enough.
I continued with counselling. I had my rough patches as I grew older. When I was about 15 I stared to get depressed again.Â Bad thoughts started to consume my mind.Â My dad was diagnosed with a type of cancer.Â I thought again that this would turn out the same, as what happened with my Nan .Â So this timeÂ ,IÂ started to self injury myself .I found it a relief in a way because I was able to feel pain. I knew this was wrong and I was going back down the wrong path . So I did get help straight away. I knew my counsellor was only a phone call away. So I put a stop to it. My dad under went treatment and got the all clear.Â So I began to feel happy and like my old self again. I had a new group of friends from school, so I hung out a lot with them and started to laugh and enjoy life again.Â Doing things like going to the cinema and shopping. I to started to read a lot and it was nice to be able to escape into another world for a brief while . I started to write poetry which was a way to get everything down on paper.
I am now almost twenty three. I havenâ€™t self injured in about eight years .Â I have got a diploma in travel and tourism . I have started to do a little travel myself. I am now studying Journalism, which I love. I have a great part time job. I have met some great people along the way . I have a few close best friends now, who I know will be there for me.Â Life is great.
For anybody out there who may feel like life is not worth living, never give up hope. IF I died that day then I would never have gotten the chance to do the things I have done, meet new people, seen new places.
Please believe me, there is a chance for you too. I was given my chance . Now grasp onto yours and live a happy life.