Wreck the Head- What’s Going on in my Head- E.Smyth

FREAKED. Can’t open my eyes! Oh… they are open, I just can’t see. Clouds, or dust, or something. Not darkness anyway. Don’t think I’ve gone blind, so that’s something. God, where the f**k am I? Can’t even remember what happened to me. Are my eyes closed again? It’s gone dark now….

Right. Think really hard. Feels like I’m in an exam, haha, trying to remember something I never studied in my life. I’m like ‘death warmed up’, as Ma would say. Sore all over, head feels like it’s about to explode, stomach is in bits, even breathing hurts. It’s coming back though. Friday night, that’s the last thing I remember. Sheena’s birthday. Everyone was there, great night. I think… must have been anyway if I feel this bad now.

Me and Jess headed there together, poured her parents’ vodka into half a bottle of coke and filled it back up with water. Drank that on the way to the off-licence, then stood outside asking people to go in and buy stuff for us. Nobody would for ages – the old people never do, but then some twenty-year old guy went in for us. Bought us fags as well… sound. Got to Sheena’s at around eight, no one else was there yet but we started drinking anyway. That’s enough for now, tired myself out doing that.

Must have fallen asleep there, or more asleep than I already am. Maybe I’m in a coma… nah, don’t think so. What happened after we got to Sheena’s? Only God knows for sure, probably. I know it’s in my head somewhere though… I was dancing, with Jess and Adam and all his mates. Don’t know how much I’d drunk at this stage, or what time of the night it was. The house was packed I remember, and really loud, so it must have been an hour or two hours later maybe. It’s all a bit cloudy after that, except for when I was in the toilet. Wanted to get sick but it wasn’t happening, so I had to make myself. Then Adam came in and… I don’t know what the hell happened. Don’t want to think about that part. Something made him go away really quickly, a noise or someone coming in. Then cloudiness again.

Was there pills going around, or was that a dream? Maybe there was and I took too many, and that’s how I ended up in this awful state. It’s hard to say what’s for real and what’s not anymore. Everything I’ve been able to think of seems like it’s a dream. Maybe I’ll wake up soon.

Doctors have got to be the most annoying people on earth. Doctors, and parents. Jesus, can you imagine having a parent that was a doctor as well? I think I’d die. I liked it better when I was unconscious, would’ve preferred to stay that way. They’re all at me non-stop now, nurses and Ma and Da and probably everyone else. I have not got ‘a serious problem’; I just made one stupid mistake or several stupid mistakes in one night.

It’s actually not worth it anymore. Don’t like school, never did. Don’t want to go to college, don’t care about my exams. Don’t even want to get a job if I can help it. Don’t know what I want, actually, except to go out and have a good time – and I definitely don’t want ‘help’ from anyone. More and more I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Wish it could happen though…

What’s that? Someone ringing? No, just a message. From Jess. “Free house this weekend. Coming for a session?”

Don’t know if I’m bothered. I’ll go though… just to keep her happy.

Tags: Alcohol, Going out, Partying, socialising