What is Grief?

Grief is a natural emotional reaction to a significant loss in your life. It can be very painful and you may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions such as shock, anger and guilt. Sometimes these feelings can become overwhelming and you may feel like they will never go away. This can be very frightening but they are normal reactions to a significant loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.

Causes of grief?

Grief can be caused by any significant loss including:

• Loss of a loved one
  
• A loved ones serious illness
  
• Loss of a friendship
  
• A relationship break-up
  
• Loss of health
  
• Loss of a job
  
• Loss of financial stability
  
• A miscarriage
  
• Death of a pet
  
• Loss of cherished dreams
  
• Loss of safety after a trauma

Subtle losses can also lead to grief such as moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, retiring etc.

What is grieving/bereavement?

Grieving is the process of emotional and life adjustment you go through after a loss. Grieving after a loved one's death is also known as bereavement.

Grieving is a personal experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently. There is no set period of time for grieving. Some people adjust to a new life within several weeks or months. Others take a year or more, particularly when their daily life has been radically changed or their loss was traumatic and unexpected.

What are common symptoms of grief and grieving?

While everyone grieves in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms when they are grieving:

• Shock and denial – It can be hard to accept what happened right after a loss occurs. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they are gone.
  
• Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
  
• Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
  
• Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you have lost a loved one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
  
• Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
  
• Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, weakened immune system, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains and sleeplessness.
  

Dealing with grief/bereavement

The most important factor in coping with loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you are grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone.
Your feelings are unique. Each person handles emotions and feelings differently. Find a way to deal with your emotions that fits you.

Grief will subside over time. However, the grieving process does not happen in a step-by-step or orderly fashion. Give yourself all the time you need to identify, accept, and express your emotions.
Writing down your feelings is a good way of coping with grief because it can stimulate thinking and help you organise and analyze your thoughts. It can deepen your understanding of a situation and may help you get in touch with feelings you had not recognised before. It can also prompt you to reflect on what is happening to you. This can help you put things into perspective and come to an understanding of how the changes affect your life.
Take care of yourself. Grieving can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves so it is important to look after your physical health.

When grief doesn’t go away

It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry following a loss. But as time passes, these emotions should become less intense as you accept the loss and start to move forward. If you aren’t feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign that your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or depression.

Complicated grief

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain centre stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.

Symptoms of complicated grief include:

• Intense longing and yearning for the deceased person
  
• Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one
  
• Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
  
• Imagining that your loved one is alive
  
• Searching for the person in familiar places
  
• Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
  
• Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
  
• Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

How is grieving treated?

Social support, good self-care, and the passage of time are usually the best medicine for grieving. However, if you find that your grief is making it difficult to function for more than a week or two, seek professional health care. See the ‘Getting Help Section’

• How can I support a friend who is grieving or is bereaved?
  
  Be open, it is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Acknowledge the fact that you don’t know what to say but let them know that you care. Knowing how to listen to your friend is much more information at this point.
  
• Offer your support; ask if there is anything you can do.
• Ask how he or she feels; do not assume that you know how the grieving person feels. While you should never try to force someone to open up, it is important to let the bereaved know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – this invites the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?”

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

• Shop for groceries or run errands
  
• Drop off a casserole or other type of food
  
• Help with funeral arrangements
  
• Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests
  
• Help out with housework, such as cleaning or laundry
  
• Look after their pets
  
• Go with them to a support group meeting
  
• Accompany them on a walk
  
• Take them to lunch or a movie
  
• Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project)
  
• Offer ongoing support and offer extra support on special days such as birthdays and/or anniversaries.

Comments to avoid when comforting someone who is bereaved

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
  
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
  
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
  
• "He's in a better place now." The person who is bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
  
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes people who are bereaved are resistant to getting on with life because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
  
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Other things to think about

Watch for warning signs - it’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade – or they get worse with time – this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or clinical depression
.
Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period – especially if it’s been over two months since the death.

• Difficulty functioning in daily life
  
• Extreme focus on the death
  
• Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
  
• Neglecting personal hygiene
  
• Alcohol or drug abuse
  
• Inability to enjoy life
  
• Hallucinations
  
• Withdrawing from others
  
• Constant feelings of hopelessness
  
• Talking about dying or suicide
  

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person. You don’t want to appear invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping – perhaps you should look into getting help’’.