By Rachael Power

There was once a time when I was a normal student; my college years spreading out before me, seemingly never-ending. My days and evenings weren’t taken up with numerous cups of coffee, FYPs, final assignments and regular visits to the library; sentences such as “So, what are you going to do after college?” didn’t instil the fear of God in me.

That was before I was a final year student. Now, life is quite different; I’ve had to worry about things that I never had to worry out before. The big, bad world is just two and a half months away and I feel totally overwhelmed. Seemingly all of a sudden I have to prepare a CV, find a job and leave my college life and friends behind.

But, before I start fantasizing about throwing my mortarboard in the air, there’s this small matter of an FYP (currently my three most feared letters in the alphabet) and exams to get through. While it’s just like any other semester in terms of classes and assignments, the added pressure of the FYP and finding something to do after college can make things all a bit more stressful.

Stress is a natural reaction when you’re under pressure, and it can manifest in many different ways. Everyone gets stressed – it’s totally normal to be anxious about finishing college or about exams, after all, it’s an important time in your life.

That’s why it’s so important to look after yourself during final year. I find that eating lots of fruit and vegetables (at the risk of sounding like my own mother), getting regular exercise, even something as simple as a walk in the evening and finding time – at least one evening or night a week – to relax and socialise makes me feel a whole lot better. After a good laugh with friends I find I’m ready to look at college work with fresh eyes.

There are however two sides to every coin. While it may be sad leaving college and a time of high pressure as you deal with the workload, there’s always a different perspective. Leaving college isn’t always exactly a bad thing; think of the assignments – all those 2,500 word sociology essays, gone! Hallelujah! – you’ll never have to do again, the exciting career you’re going to have (whatever you choose) and the many friends out there waiting to be made.

While what kind of degree you get may seem the be all and end all, there’s always a way to get to where you want to go. So while right now FYPs, exams and assignments are your whole world, just remember – it’s only temporary.

If final year is stressing you out or getting you down, you should check out the features section for some good stress combatting tips. Or, if you feel like you just want to chat, send HeadsUp a free text and we’ll text you back a list of helplines and support services: text HEADSUP to 50424.

Duration 105 mins
Director: Phyllida Lloyd

Starring:
Meryl Streep- Margaret Thatcher
Jim Broadbent – Denis Thatcher
Alexandra Roach- Young Margaret Thatcher
Harry Lloyd- Young Denis Thatcher
Olivia Coleman- Carol Thatcher

Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become… habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny! What we think we become.

This film begins with the vision of an elderly lady buying milk in a local corner shop, to the annoyance of other customers really as she questions the price of milk and isn’t quite fast enough in her transaction. This elderly lady turns out to be Lady Margaret Thatcher. Her adventure to the shop causes major concern amongst her staff, minders and daughter Carol. It’s a far cry from her previous position of Prime Minister, the first female prime minister and leader of Britain’s Conservative party. As she looks back over her life, you cannot but be impressed by her determination, drive and courage in a male dominated world. We see the role of her late husband Denis Thatcher who was her main source of support and encouragement throughout her life. In the film however, while Margaret goes from past memories to present day events, her husband Denis still remains a constant in her life, even though he is dead. This gives us a deeper understanding of her state of mind as she deals with dementia and the grief of her husband’s death.

Watching the film, I am so torn. I admire this lady and her courage but wonder whether her decisiveness always resulted in the best outcome. Images of riots, rising unemployment, hunger, miners strikes, wars, colleagues turning against her and conflict are specked through the film. She seemed more interested in her rise to power than her children or ‘washing a teacup’- ‘one’s life must matter, I cannot stay at home washing dishes’. Her treatment of her colleagues and in particular the scene with Geoffrey Howe turned my stomach yet images of her hand writing letters to the mothers of soldiers who died in the Falkland war showed a very motherly side of her. Throughout the film Thatcher struggles to distinguish between what’s reality and what’s fiction. Her constant chats with the ghost of her dead husband seems comfortingly and sweet, yet depicts the loneliness of death. Eventually as Thatcher goes through and empties her husbands’ closet, Denis’ ghost leaves her and she is left washing up her own teacup and I’m left feeling sad. All that power, all that compromise for what? Margaret Thatcher appears lonely to me although maybe she’s happy living a quite ordinary life having had such an impact on British politics.

Waiting for exam results can be a scary time; it’s like you have an appointment with fear! As the hype starts to ratchet up, your stomach may very well start to churn. Of course this is normal. It is to be expected that you feel stressed, nervous, panicky and anxious. You may not even realise that you are feeling the effects of stress. Have a look around this section of the site to see how to recognise and manage stress. If you feel like you would like to talk to someone send us a free text and we’ll text you back a list of helplines and support services. Just text HEADSUP to 50424.

Good luck with your exam results from all at HeadsUp!
• Recognising stress
• What causes stress around exam results time?
• What you can do before the exam results?
• How to manage stress after you get your exam results
• FAQs

Recognising stress
As the hype starts to ratchet up, your stomach may very well start to churn. Of course this is normal. It is to be expected that you feel stressed, nervous, panicky and anxious. You may not even realise that you are feeling the effects of stress. The stress of waiting for exam results could mean that you are experiencing the following:

 Difficulty in concentrating
 Headaches, abdominal pain, tightness in your chest, pounding heart or breathing difficulties
 Difficulty in getting to sleep at night
 Recurring nightmares
 Abnormal eating habits – eating more than usual or having no appetite for food
 Irritability
 Loss of sense of humour and a feeling that things are out of proportion
 Increased intake of coffee
 Increase in number of cigarettes smoked
 Negative thoughts
 Withdrawal from friends and social situations
 Lack of motivation
 Overly tired despite adequate sleep
 Feeling run-down
For more information on stress, check out the Understanding Stress fact sheet click on http://www.headsup.ie/stress.php

What causes stress around exam results time?
Apart from the obvious fear of receiving results that are not what you expected, a lot of other factors are at play during this time. These include:
 Wanting to obtain results that reflect the work you put into your studies
 Pressure to fulfil the expectations of others
 Wanting to get results similar to your friends and peers
 Fear of failure

What you can do before the exam results?
Look after yourself: In the days leading up to the exam results try to allocate some time for relaxation. This is really important as we often are too busy or too worked-up to think about taking a certain amount of time to just do something that relaxes you. This could include a long soak in a bubble bath, a walk by the beach, time spent on your Xbox or Playstation or just listening to your favourite music. It will be different for everyone and that’s ok as long as you know what relaxes you and you put the time aside for that activity. For information on quick stress relief techniques, go to the Immediate Stress Reduction Techniques fact sheet http://www.headsup.ie/stresstech.php and the Relaxation fact sheet http://www.headsup.ie/relaxtech.php
Exercise: Exercise is an excellent way of dealing with stress and pressure. You may find it difficult to start exercising but hormones such as endorphins released during exercise help you feel better about yourself and the challenges you face.

Talk to your friends: Consider talking to your friends who no doubt are going through similar feelings as you.

Acknowledge your feelings: During this time you may feel anxious, nervous, excited, hopeless, nauseous or down. It’s important that you recognise how you are feeling and express those feelings. If you feel you don’t want to talk to someone about them, consider keeping a journal or expressing it through art. Check out our Art from the Heart section that allows you to express your feelings anonymously through art. http://www.headsup.ie/heart/

Realise your own expectations: Take time to realistically consider your expectations for your exam results. Find out what results you would be happy with based on your own targets and not on the expectations of others. What subjects are you good at? What results are you hoping for in that subject? What subjects are you not so strong at? And what results would you be happy with in these subjects? Remember everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Address the unrealistic expectations of others: If you feel your stress is the result of the unrealistic expectations of others, sit them down and talk to them about what you feel is realistic and why. Dealing with the unrealistic expectations of others can be very difficult to cope with. Once this expectation is discussed and managed properly, it can be a huge relief. Assertiveness can be a very helpful skill in getting your point across; to learn about assertiveness skills, check out the Assertiveness module in the Self Help section. http://www.headsup.ie/selfhelp/index.php

Consult a GP: If you feel like the stress you are experiencing is impacting negatively on your daily life and normal activities, consult a GP for further advice and treatment. For information on where to go for help contact the Getting Help section which provides information on GPs and the HeadsUp Text Service. http://www.headsup.ie/gettinghelp.php

How to manage stress after you get your exam results
Once you get your exam results, the immediate stress may be reduced. Congratulations! The wait is over and now you can consider your next step. Some people will be celebrating; others may be a bit disappointed but it is important to consider the following:
After you receive your exams results, trust yourself and have the confidence to know you did your best: It can be easy to look back over your study time and think ‘I could have done more’ but this is not a very useful thing to do. Retrospective thinking may not always be realistic thinking.

One person’s disappointment is another person’s success: Remember that everyone has different expectations of themselves and goals in life. Be aware of this during the exam results period.

Put your results into perspective: Whether you have achieved the results you expected or not, remember that exams are stepping stones to something bigger. Exams are not always goals in themselves; they can be a means to a goal. Stepping stones can be of different sizes and sometimes may be difficult but the important thing is for them to be used productively to reach where you want to be. Marks should not be the goal; they only help you reach the next class or a level closer to your desired career. If you are disappointed about your results, your goal does not need to change but how you reach that goal may be different. Check out the goal setting fact sheet in the well-being section. http://www.headsup.ie/goalsetting.php

Learn to disassociate your performances from who you are: Everyone is made up of a lot of abilities and skills. Exams judge skills and knowledge; they are not a judgement about a person or a reflection of a person’s self-worth. Remember this, it is important. If you find yourself thinking negatively recently, check out the Noticing Unhelpful Thinking and Changing Unhelpful Thinking modules in the Self Help section. http://www.headsup.ie/selfhelp/index.php

Treat yourself: The exam results are a stressful time and the hours of work put into achieving them deserves a reward. Whether you are delighted or disappointed with your results, allow yourself the time to treat yourself. If big celebrations are planned, be careful around your alcohol intake. Visit www.drinkaware.ie for more information.

Outside Help: If you are feeling down as a result of your exam results and would like to talk to someone in confidence, check out the Getting Help section http://www.headsup.ie/gettinghelp.php or free text HEADSUP to 50424 for a list of support organisations.

Frequently Asked Questions
How can I prepare mentally for receiving my results?
Looking after your general mental health is something we should always do but especially around stressful periods. There are a lot of things you can do to prepare mentally for your results. Set aside relaxation time and include rest in your daily schedule. Do not allow other obligations to take up time set aside for relaxation. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and to recharge your batteries.

• Connect with others. Spend time with positive people who enhance your life. A strong support system will buffer you from the negative effects of stress.
• Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy, whether it be exercising, listening to music or dancing or any of the suggestions listed above.
• Keep your sense of humour. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

Learn the relaxation response
You can control your stress levels with relaxation techniques that evoke the body’s relaxation response, a state of restfulness that is the opposite of the stress response. Regularly practicing these techniques will build your physical and emotional resilience. To learn more about relaxation techniques that reduce stress, go to the Relaxation Practices that Reduce Stress fact sheet. http://www.headsup.ie/relaxtech.php
Adopt a healthy lifestyle
You can increase your resistance to stress by strengthening your physical health. The following can help with strengthening your physical health:
• Exercise regularly. Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress. Make time for at least 30 minutes of exercise, three times per week. Nothing beats aerobic exercise for releasing pent-up stress and tension.
• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.
• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary “highs” caffeine and sugar provide often end with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you will feel more relaxed and you will sleep better.
• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.
• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

How can I relieve the stress of exams results day?
In the build-up to receiving your results there are many things you can do to ensure that you are as stress-free as possible. If you have been keeping a stress diary, you will know what type of things stresses you out, how you react to stress and how to best deal with stress.

If you have not been keeping a stress diary, you can still benefit from stress relief techniques. There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with stress. You can either change the situation or change your reaction. When deciding which option to choose, it’s helpful to think of the four As: Avoid, Alter, Adapt, or Accept.

Avoid the stressor, which means changing the situation
Alter the stressor, which means changing certain aspects of the stressor
Adapt to the stressor, which means changing your reaction to the stressor
Accept the stressor, which means accepting the stressful issue in your life and learning from it.

You cannot change the fact that the results will arrive but you can alter the stressor, adapt the stressor or accept the stressor. For example, if the idea of going into the school to collect your results, meet your teachers and friends causes you stress then get your results online or via telephone.

In order to adapt the stressor you could adapt how you think about the results. Instead of seeing them as a major milestone, view them as one step to where you want to be in your future life and career.

In order to accept the stressor, just acknowledge that getting exams results is a stressful time but something that a lot of people go through in order to get to the next point in their lives.

Suppose all my friends do better than me, how can I show that I am happy for them if I’m disappointed with my results?
It can be difficult experiencing mixed emotions. On one hand you are disappointed with your own results but happy for your friends. Remember these people are your friends. Just tell them how you feel. Honest conversations between friends are what keep friendships alive. Don’t let this situation be any different from others.

Are there any physical signs to show that I’m stressed? How do I deal with these?
There are some physical signs that may indicate that you are stressed. These include some of the following:
• Headaches
• Aches and pains
• Indigestion
• Feeling faint
• Constant fatigue
• Dizziness
• Blurred vision
• Diarrhoea or constipation
• Nausea, dizziness
• Chest pain, rapid heartbeat, tightness in chest
• Loss of sex drive
• Frequent colds

These physical symptoms of stress can be alleviated by taking time out to relax and distress. For tips on quick stress relief techniques, go to http://www.headsup.ie/stresstech.php

If these physical symptoms are persistent, consult your GP.

What are the emotional symptoms that indicate I’m stressed? How do I deal with these?
Some of the emotional symptoms of stress include the following:
 Moodiness
 Irritability or short temper
 Agitation, inability to relax
 Feeling overwhelmed
 Sense of loneliness and isolation
 Depression or general unhappiness

In order to deal with these symptoms, take some time to relax and look after yourself. Do something you enjoy and that takes your mind off all your worries. Talk to someone you can trust and tell them exactly how you are feeling. If you would prefer to talk to someone you do not know, free text HEADSUP to 50424 for a list of support organisations.

Do you have any tips for relaxing in advance of the results?
As the day of the results approaches, ensure you look after your mental health. Adapting a positive attitude is very helpful. Check out the Noticing Unhelpful Thinking and Changing Unhelpful Thinking modules in the Self Help section. http://www.headsup.ie/selfhelp/index.php

Make some time for relaxation. Some healthy ways to relax could include some of the following:
• Go for a walk
• Spend time in nature
• Call a good friend
• Sweat out tension with a good workout
• Write in your diary
• Take a long bath
• Light scented candles
• Savour a warm cup of coffee or tea
• Get a massage
• Curl up with a good book
• Listen to music
• Watch a comedy

Find out what relaxation techniques work for you and include them in your daily routine. Also make time for friends or family members that are supportive and positive.

How can I support a friend who is stressed?
Stress is not something we can solve for our friends but we can support them by:
• Being there to listen to their problems and worries
• Accepting that their moodiness is not designed to hurt you; your friend may not even know that they are being moody
• Encouraging them to take time out with you to do something fun, be that going out, shopping, exercising or just chatting
• Sharing any stress management tips that you find useful
• Sharing any relaxation techniques that you find helpful

Click here to view the embedded video.

(T.McCarthy is a regular contributor to the HeadsUp website. He lives in Cork and after a UCC open day with health insurers he wrote the following article on health insurance. The article was also published in the Cork Evening Echo Tuesday April 26th 2011)

The cost of health insurance weighs heavily on the rebel soul…

The daily assault on our wallets continues to present itself in many forms, and health insurance is no exception. Take VHI’s unforgiving increases for example. Given over one-third of their clientele are on some form of the popular Plan B, a 35-45% premium increase is a bitter pill to swallow for the health conscious Corkonian. Many customers feel that the supposed family-friendly insurer has their backs to the wall. VHI argues that increased claims, rising private bed costs and government levies are to blame. However, less publicised are their misgivings regarding what they deem to be an unfair proportion of older people on the books. Other players of course have also increased premiums, citing similar reasons. Quinn Healthcare has increased by 8-25% and Aviva by 14% since the start of 2011. Lost within these excuses is our sense of community, fuelled by a growing sense of stigma. Older people are now increasingly disfavoured by insurers and the younger population alike, a growing minority of who aggressively blame them for the blitzkrieg of increases. Online forums are awash with rumours that upping the charges on plans popular amongst older citizens are designed to force a mass exodus onto cheaper plans. However, the cure may kill the patient if the haemorrhaging of customers to other providers continues. Even the fortunate who can still afford to access insurance may well find their cover for certain procedures, such as hip and eye surgery, reduced from 100% to 80%. This applies to VHI’s Parents and Kids Plans and First Plans amongst many others in private hospitals.
 
Dr. Brian Turner, a lecturer in economics at University College Cork (UCC) and a former head of research at the Independent Health Insurance Authority (HIA), advocates a healthy dose of investigation when it comes to renewal time. His expertise means he is a popular man on and off campus amongst worried colleagues and friends. Firstly, he advises looking beyond the glossy brochures to the meat of the plan. What often concerns people above all else is the level of hospital cover – once you decide what standard you are happy with, this should narrow your options down. Secondly, while the opportunity to renew existing cover at the old rates has passed, there is still at least a wide range of choices on offer, with dozens of plans you may never have heard of. Want to sign up to VHI’s mysteriously named PMI 0111? What about Quinn’s Company Health? Have you considered Aviva’s Postbank Level 1 Daily Cover? Despite the group they were originally aimed at, there is nothing to legally stop you from availing of any of the 212 odd plans on the market, if they fit your needs as an individual. The HIA has a wonderful tool on their website that allows you to compare three plans at a time across all insurers (www.hia.ie).
 
For those in group schemes, renewals will come at different times of the year – as UCC staff discovered this week. All insurers were present on campus to greet a hoard of employees desperate to make the right choice. With five family members to cater for – all on VHI’s Plan B Options policy – a 45 % increase or €2200 extra collectively per annum, certainly got my attention. While Dr. Turner does not advocate any one company or plan, he is personally considering switching from VHI’s Plan B to a lesser known plan called Company Level Plan 1.2. It was quite shocking to discover that small excesses aside, there is little to differentiate the two plans, apart from the price tag per annum (€1429.50 versus €900), and no partial coverage for two private hospitals that we are unlikely to ever be able to afford anyway. It is even superior in some respects, with only a €1 excess for outpatient expenses (versus €250). It must be stressed however that choosing insurance is a highly personal affair – all plans were not created equal. The illogical sense of loyalty many of us have when it comes to insurance, and indeed gas, electricity and banking, must also be stamped out. UCC employee Dr. Paul Bolger subscribes to this mantra. “We want something that will offer good value for the whole family. It was something I had not thought about in a decade until the premiums rose so sharply.” 
A source of comfort to those who can no longer afford the spiralling premiums may be the Hospital Saturday Fund (HSF). They provide what are known as health insurance cash plans, which offer out-patient cover (e.g. dental, optical and GP visits), and include a range of other benefits such as personal accidents and some forms of screening. Plans start from €156 per annum, though realistically a balanced plan will cost €312 to €468 per year. It does not cover hospital stays however (though you may get a small contribution), so it is vital to be aware of this. HSF representative Kay Madden was certainly kept busy fielding queries from the undecided at UCC. “I think people are waking up to the fact that there is an alternative for both the individual and family as a stand-alone option, or as a compliment to their existing insurance.”
 
The question many want answered is whether the increases will continue. Unfortunately Dr. Turner feels that this is inevitable. “Health insurance prices continue to increase well ahead of inflation. Premiums usually goes up by 8-10% per year, but this was a particularly bad year. Having said that, with universal health insurance coming down the tracks, all bets are off!” Fine Gael’s proposed strategy has been strongly influenced by the Netherlands, who have been using this system since 2006. However Dr. Turner urges caution. “Five years in terms of a health system is a very short time. There is a big risk in terms of potential problems. Few would argue that the Irish system is perfect, but the question is whether this is the right change to make?”

The imminent danger is that as citizens are forced to abandon health insurance altogether, they add to the backlog of a long over-burdened public system. Thirty five-year-old Douglas resident Mick Murphy’s analysis is particularly poignant – “It can be the difference between life and death. A disgusting system we have where patients suffer further illness and death because they have to wait to see a specialist.” The elephant in the room is that considering the ongoing offensive on all areas of Irish life, why are we not rioting in the streets? The two-tiered nature of our healthcare system has never been more apparent. Where is the rebel in the Irish soul?

This article was also published in the Cork Evening Echo Tuesday April 26th 2011 and www.tmcarthy.com

We know who our friends are.  They are the ones who make us laugh, who carry us when we cannot walk alone, who stand up to us when we are wrong, who know our deepest secrets and love us anyway.  Friendships take years to develop, and each one is different – as individual as a star or a snowflake.  Our friends reflect things in us that we can identify in them, things that we admire, or would like to work towards.  Yet somehow in life, we acquire friends that do not fit into this description.  We find ourselves befriended by all kinds of people for different reasons. Some people keep friends that make them feel bad by the comments they make, or by the negativity they have towards others. Some “friends” do not understand how to give back in a relationship, and drain your energy and joy without you fully being aware. Some friends just tag along, not ever really committing to being there or not, and in doing so can hurt you by always being elsewhere when you need them the most.  Some friends are too self absorbed to know how to share, or how to listen.  None of these friends are bad people, but their friendships are not supportive, and not healthy in the long run.



I have had cause in my life to re-evaluate many friendships. I have lost a lot of friends, and gained many more.  The friends I keep now are true to my heart, and accept me for who I am, EXACTLY as I am.  They do not ask me to be somebody else; they do not ask me to be different than who I am. They do not expect things from me that I am not comfortable or happy to be.  I have learned how to be stronger in myself; and not allow people take me for granted, use me, drain my energy, upset me, or hurt me.  I have found friends that I can have fun with, go out with, have craft days with, that support me – and now that I’m well, I can support them too.  Friends really are like diamonds – many facets that make up one whole piece, strength beyond compare, beauty in design and durability under pressure, to name but a few values.



I can speak of true friendship in loving terms, because the love I feel from the friends I now have in my life is incredible.  I feel like the more love I send out, the more I receive back.  Every day I send text messages to (most of) my friends – just to say hi, or to send them sparkles and happiness to make their day better.  Often they don’t text back, but I don’t need them to, I know they will think of me that day and smile a little brighter. Other days, they surprise me and send me a lovely message first and get me smiling.  I don’t see my friends half as much as I would like, but by keeping in touch with them on such a regular basis – and for a nice reason – keeps us close no matter what time or distance is physically between us.  I have found that the more I contact my friends with no particular reason in mind, but just to say hi, the more we do actually see each other in the long run.  They think of me – and I think of them – at regular intervals, and know that even the process of thinking of each other without reason keeps us in better friendship.  I’ve started to make up reasons to see my friends – tea parties, clothes swapping days, craft days – all sorts of things that I never thought of before.  I realised some time ago that I only saw my friends when an occasion came up – a birthday, a wedding, a christening, Christmas…. these things are all lovely, but they’re also far to far apart!!! Unless we make an effort to see our friends, time has a funny way of making it even harder to see them by getting in the way.  There’s a famous saying “life is the thing that gets in the way of your plans”, and its very true.



There was another thing that occurred to me.  I was filling up my time seeing those friends I mentioned earlier - the ones that were often difficult to be around on account of their selfishness, or their negativity, the ones that were never there for me when I needed them.  The ones that always needed me for something, but were never found when I needed something in return, the ones that always bitched about people and constantly made comments that made me uncomfortable, the ones that seemed to need so much help from me that I was constantly drained, and down, after being with them, the friends that made me feel guilty for not seeing them more, and made me feel like I was wrong. These “friends” were not actually friends at all.  They were acquaintances – people that I knew for different reasons – that I felt obliged to spend time with, or felt guilty if I didn’t.  These “friends” were people that I started to dread seeing, or just wish that I had a REALLY good excuse not to.   It took me a very long time to understand what a friend was, and what an acquaintance was and that there is something else in between – or even on a parallel to an acquaintance.  I seemed to have a lot of people in my life that didn’t make me feel good – and often even helped to make me feel worse. They didn’t share anything with me – other than their own negativity and difficulty.  I found it very hurtful to look at the people I had considered my friends in this way. I felt disloyal.  Yet somehow, in taking off the rose tinted glasses I had been wearing, I was able to see each person in my life for exactly who and what they were, and know which of them I needed to spend more – or less – time with.  I learned a lot of new coping skills during this time too – in having to be honest with many people about how I was feeling, sometimes things came up that weren’t that pleasant, and I had to deal with them in a different way than I always had.  I heard someone say once “you cant get out of a problem with the same thinking that got you into it” – it was a lot like that in learning how to stand up for myself.  To be able to say, “No thank you, I don’t want to mind you while you get obnoxiously drunk like you always do”, or “No thank you, I’d rather not sit with you for hours listening to you give out about everyone you know”.  To know that if I dreaded seeing somebody, I shouldn’t see them, and I also shouldn’t make up an excuse – I should just tell them I didn’t want to. Sometimes, I would create a bigger problem for myself in trying to get out of things by giving reasons why, rather than just saying “no thanks” or “sorry, I can’t” and leaving it at that.  



Remembering certain difficulties I had in dealing with some unhealthy relationships, and how I managed to get out of them, I am strongly reminded of a coping skill that my doctor taught me.  He said “what are the ten ways of dealing with your problem?” – TEN WAYS??? I was hard pushed to find more than two for any given problem.  So he told me that if I could not find (and physically write down) ten ways of dealing with any problem, I should go to those around me and ask what they would do if the problem was theirs. In this way, I would see different reactions and solutions to the same problem.  I would also see how some solutions would be helpful, and others would make things worse.  An example of this is when I had a very bad disagreement with a friend, and was hurt to silence when they acted in anger wrongly against me.  I couldn’t say a word, and left not knowing how to fix things between us.  Later that day, my doctor’s advice came to me, and I went to each member of my family with the problem.  In asking for their advice, each one gave me a completely different solution. One was to text her and tell her that I was hurt, but did not want it to upset our friendship, and that i wanted to resolve the problem, but would like an apology. The next was to write a letter, in much the same vein.  The next was to phone her and have it out. The next was to call back around and ask her to listen until I had spoken my piece and take it from there, and see if she was willing to work it out.  The next was to send somebody else around to talk sense into her, and tell her that she was in the wrong and mean to boot.  The next one wasn’t a nice option, so I decided not to use it straight away, and also not to write about it now!!!  Anyway, you get the gist.  There are lots of options, and we always have a choice.  There was also the choice for me to do absolutely nothing about it, which I hadn’t mentioned.  In the end, I chose the solution that I thought was the most reasonable – and that I would be able to do – in the hopes that we could get past it and move on. That story ends that she became horrid about the whole thing, and we are no longer friends. I was sorry about it at the time, but now recognise that when I was around her, I never felt very good. I also always guarded what I said to her, as she often said unkind things about some of our mutual friends.  Since we have parted friendship, I no longer feel dread about meeting her, or worry about how things will be between us.  I found it incredibly difficult to end our friendship, but it was very definitely necessary for me to do so at that time. 



I have a lot more time now to spend with friends who I love spending time with, and that make me feel good to boot. I know that I have a good effect on them too, and that our friendship is equal, so that if either of us had a problem with the other we could say it and not have to fight about it.  It doesn’t seem like a nice thing to do to “spring clean” your friends, but it is so important to keep people in your life that  make you feel good about yourself, and help to ease the burdens that life brings.  We don’t have to do things if we don’t want to, but it’s up to us to tell other people that, and not keep waiting for them to notice we’re uncomfortable or unhappy.



Think about how you would like to be treated by your friends. Always treat them in the same way, and remember that true friends are part of you – just like your flesh and blood. They’re the family you choose, and you have to look after the precious gift of their friendship.



People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime – it’s sometimes hard to recognise which is which, or that they’re not there for the reason you thought they were. They might be there to help you through something or to teach you something – and you might not find out what it was until they are gone from your life for whatever reason that is.



I read this poem today, and think it sums up exactly what I’m trying to say about what a real friend is…



Friendship:
Each of us has a hidden place

Somewhere deep within ourselves;

A place where we go to get away,

To think things through,

To be alone, to be ourselves.



This unique place, where we confront our deepest feelings, 

becomes a storehouse of all our hopes,

All our need, all our Dreams,

And even our unspoken fears.

It encompasses the essence of who we are and what we want to be.



But now and then, whether by chance or design,

Someone discovers a way into that place we thought was ours alone.

And we allow that person to see, to feel and to share

All the reason, all the uncertainty

And all the emotion we’ve stored up there.



That person adds new perspective to our hidden realm, 

Then quietly settles down in his own corner of our special place,

Where a bit of himself will stay forever.



And we call that person a FRIEND……




-Author Unknown
 

Accept the friends in your life for who they are, exactly as they are.  If you find “friends” like some of the ones that I had, who hurt you more than you feel a friend should, maybe their reason for being in your life was to teach you about humanity, kindness, and forgiving – or to teach you strength so that the next time somebody like them comes along, you will be able to stop them hurting you in the same way.  For the true friends that you have, hold them close to your heart and remember that they need a friend in you too.

When my eating disorder began at the beginning of my first year in college I was in complete denial. I had good friends and a nice family, and although I wasn’t sure if the course I had chosen was entirely for me. I wasn’t overly depressed about it. I put it down to the fact that everyone struggles with the adjustment from secondary school into the third cycle of education. When I say I was in denial, what I mean exactly is that I wasn’t even feeling worried about what I was doing. I would just binge, then throw up and then go about my normal life like everything was fine. I had lost about a stone, very quickly, so everyone told me I looked great. They asked how I had done it. I told them I had been really strict with myself over the Christmas break. That I was eating very little and the weight had just come off. The sad thing was I even believed the things I was saying. When people complimented me and said “Oh you look so well.” I would say “oh thanks I feel so much better about myself.” And I would genuinely feel proud that I had managed to lose the weight and even better; keep it off.

My life continued on as normal, and I would occasionally say to myself. “I’m so lucky that my habit isn’t affecting me mentally, I seem to be able to just get on with things.” I wasn’t educated enough about mental illness to know that my life was going to take a horrible turn for the worse. I didn’t even consider myself to have an eating disorder. I had become detached from what was normal. I really believed that I could manage my disorder. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but that in time, I would learn to control it and I could just stop.

That is the word I want to emphasise here. Control. I felt like I had control of everything that was going on. I was slimer and thought that that would make me happier. I had good friends like I said and everything seemed to be in control. But in reality I was deeply sad, and I had it nestled under fake confidence and pretence.

When I began binging that was when I would be at my lowest. I would eat a huge meal and throw it up, then I would continue snacking for hours after that, just eating to feel full emptying my stomach and eating again. I didn’t go to college many days. Not specifically to binge, but because I was hungover or just feeling tired I had no real motivation. These days when I think of them now were terrible. I would just eat all day and throw up six or seven times, and go to bed feeling hungry. But no one knew of course. That was only when I was completely alone. Even writing about this now I can realise how it was a point of complete confusion and desperation. I wish I had reached out for help sooner.

My mother began to notice that I was vomiting. She noticed how much food she was buying for the house. She also saw food in the toilet from time to time. She mentioned it to me and I was extremely aggressive and denied everything. She was at a loss of what to do. It is hard to know what to do in these situations, plus she hadn’t got the information to know how to deal with what was happening. She tried to encourage me to read books and to go online to read up on eating disorders but I refused. She would tell me not to graze so much, because she knew I was just going to the bathroom, straight after. I would snap at her shouting at her and telling her I wasn’t eating too much. She asked me would I go and talk to someone. I said I was happy. I wasn’t sad or depressed and I didn’t need to talk to anyone. And I genuinely didn’t think I needed help from anyone. I had everything in control.

I wasn’t doing very well In college. But I put that down to not having a great interest in the course and too many nights out with friends. Even now I’m not sure my course was entirely for me, but perhaps it could have been if I had been able to apply myself more. My eating disorder had become the focus of my life even though I didn’t realise it yet.
Summer came and I handed in all my assignments and was working away to save for a trip to Europe on an interrail pass with four of my friends. In my mind even though I had a small niggling issue that troubled me slightly from time to time, I felt I could cope with normal everyday life, and nothing was stopping me from doing the things that people without eating disorders can do. As I mentioned before, I didn’t feel as though I had an eating disorder.

We left for five weeks at the beginning of August 2008 and we had a great time. I still have great memories from the holiday. But because we were on a budget I replaced food with alcohol and began to starve myself. Binging turned into denying myself food, and throwing up the little I did eat. I lost even more weight. The memories were ruined as at the end of the holiday I had a psychotic attack where I was thrown from reality and into a world of terror and anxiety. Throughout this attack I told my friends I had been making myself sick, and I feared I was going to die. All of a sudden the terrible feelings that I had been repressing came rushing forward and it was very frightening. My friends, though my own confession during my psychotic attack, were finally made aware of what I had been doing to my body and they were shocked. They had always seen me as a happy funny person who enjoyed life and had no sadness.

When I came home I felt as though the terror that had possessed me during my attack was gone for good. I told my Mam and Dad what had happened and I insisted I had stopped making myself sick to my Mother at least. I still hadn’t told my Father, who, being much more authoritative than my Mam, would have made me stop, which I of course didn’t want. After a few weeks of appearing ok, but still making myself sick I had another psychotic attack. This time I didn’t get over it as quickly. I was stricken with severe anxiety and depression as a result of mistreating my mind and my body for the past year. My mind had gone into shock and couldn’t deal with me repressing my feelings. My nerves were shattered and I was physically and emotionally drained.
It took a few months for me to come out of this bubble of anxiety. I had to seek medical help and I spent time in St. Patricks Hospital. It was a horrible thought to have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital but it is what helped me get better.

My life had crumbled around me. I had reached my lowest ebb. When I thought I had a firm grasp on things and that I was in control I was in fact losing all touch with reality and allowing my sense of control to drift further and further away. It is through this experience that I have been able to learn so much about mental illness. I know how to teach myself to feel well, and I know how to accept when I don’t feel well, I accept it and I talk about it and I try to move on from it.

Festival season is well and truly upon us. A good festival with friends, listening to great bands can be the perfect weekend and form brilliant memories. A bad festival experience however can be horrible. So we’ve put our heads together here at HeadsUp and have come up with a few tips to help you get the most out of your summer festivals.

Before you leave home
The best advice we found is to pack light when you are going to festivals. There is no point bringing loads of stuff that you won’t need. Don’t pack valuables if at all possible either. If you’ve got an expensive camera, iPod, jewellery just don’t bring it. Swap it for cheaper versions that won’t cause you as much distress if you lose them. There are certain things that are useful to have at festivals so we thought we’d list our festival must haves:
• Baby wipes
• Hand sanitizer
• Essential toiletries e.g. toilet roll, tissues, tooth paste, tooth brush etc
• Sun block- sunburn + camping at a festival = sore + not nice. Always wear sun protection

In terms of clothing we recommend:
• Leggings: they are comfy in the rain and dry out quickly
• Layers: With layers of clothes you are sorted if it gets cold and sorted if the weather does picks up.
• Warm sweater or hoody: especially for night time, even if you just use it as a pillow, its good to have it.
• Wellies: this one’s obvious.
• Socks: loads of spare pairs, cold feet can make you miserable
• Rain poncho

Remember when packing for a festival; don’t bring your best clothes. Think practical not high fashion.

Camping stuff
• Tent: make sure it waterproof, it doesn’t need to be fancy but we would recommend that you brand it in some way to make it stand out amongst the thousands of other tents.

• Sleeping bag

• Torch with batteries

• Plastic bags- these are so useful. They can be used to keep your sleeping bag dry, to patch up your tent if it gets damages or as a seat outside your tent. Also good for keeping some control of the rubbish around your tent.

When you get there

• Pitch your tent straight. There is nothing worse than trying to pitch a tent in the dark after you’ve had a few drinks or when you are really really tired. So set up your tent when you arrive. Pick a good location amongst your friends and as far away from the communal toilets as possible.

• Don’t leave anything valuable in your tent. If you need to bring something that is valuable carry it with you at all times.

• Designate a meeting point for your friends in case anyone gets lost.

• Be friendly to the people camping beside you. You will be sharing the same space for the next couple of days. There can be a great sense of community at campsites and if you introduce yourself with enough of those around you, you will quickly identify anyone who is unfamiliar.

• Leave your tent a bit untidy; don’t make it easier for thieves to grab a bag with everything in it.

Personal Safety
• Remember there is safety in numbers, stick with your friends. Try to avoid wandering off on your own.

• Avoid dark areas as much as possible especially if you are alone. Stay in the well lit, main areas of the festival.

• Move away from any dangerous or antisocial behaviour. You don’t want to end up involved. You’re here to enjoy yourself not get mixed up in someone else’s bad behaviour.

• Remember people you meet at the festival may well turn out to be life long friends but at this point they are strangers. Take necessary precautions.

• Avoid crowd surfing or human pyramids. They may seem like great fun at the time but could cause you to be seriously injured.

Money Matters
• Don’t carry too much money with you to any festival.

• Empty your wallet of any items you may not need during the festival. Leave these items at home.

• Don’t keep all your cash and valuables together. Put them in different pockets.

• If you need to use a cash machine after dark, don’t go alone.

• Only take credit cards and bank cards that you may need. Take a note of your credit card numbers and the number you need to call to cancel them if you happen to lose them. Leave all other cards at home.

• If you find a wallet that’s not yours, hand it in to Lost Property. It is so brilliant when you think you’ve lost your wallet to find out that someone has left it into Lost Property. It’s a nice thing to do and if you lost your wallet, you’d want someone to hand it in too.

Enjoy and have fun!